I watched the above theater piece this afternoon, taped months ago. It was not at all what I’d anticipated. I discovered (perhaps this should NOT have surprised me, given my sexual past) that many women, if not most, have a somewhat negative relationship and perception of their vagina. So much of male and female sexuality, while different, I always believed to be symmetrical; in other words, men have issues, women have different issues… but somehow I thought they balanced out, achieved parity in their mutual confusion and relative levels of comfort and security.
I need to re-think that impression. Men, by and large, have a positive relationship with their penis. Some might wish it larger, (some might wish it more frequently engaged or more reliable), but in the final analysis, I suspect MOST men have a positive relationship with their penis (when it works as advertised.) I’ve observed over the years that while some women are secure about the appearance, responsiveness and functionality of their vagina and clitoris, they are the exceptions, rather than the norm. (God bless them, they masturbate, they enjoy their sensitivity, they’ve moved beyond whatever earlier unpleasantness they’d encountered.) Many others, while perhaps sexually active, and with positive past erotic experiences; still remain in conflict, still not yet ‘neutral’, if not self-positive, regarding their primary sexual organs.
I’d not like to minimize the complexity of female sexuality (or for that matter, male sexuality…we ARE complex, but our issues are quite different.) My own experience has revealed that many women have been abused as children, assaulted as adults, and have generally felt unfulfilled and unnurtured by their lovers. Assuming all that, the fact remains that many women progress to middle age and beyond, never coming to terms and peace and felicity with their own bodies. How are men supposed to transcend that fundamental minefield? If we’re fortunate enough to find the commonality, attraction and trust that allows intimacy, it’s but the first step. Assuming sexuality is attempted and is successful – meaning BOTH found reason to continue- in most cases, the woman’s issues about her vagina remain. I may find her pussy affirming, even irresistible – the fragrance, the view, the taste, the feel – yet though I express my approval verbally or orally, and gratify this woman, I may not change the essential truth: that SHE does not approve of her cunt…and therefore my approval is suspect… and is therefore exploitive and self interested.
I guess my question is how does (or is it even possible that) a man contribute to the process of healing a woman’s intrinsic negative perception of her pussy? Is there any conduct or approach that ‘turns that tanker around’…? Given, that primarily WE are concerned and motivated by our own desires and urges to be sexually gratified. But is there no hope that, in ‘honorably’ doing so, it’s possible to fulfill our own needs, and gratify our lover… and further HER movement to a more positive relationship with her pussy, clitoris, labial lips, hair and whatever else occupies her disapproval? Is this an impossible dream? And if not, what are some guidelines that we might consider? Inquiring minds want to know…
WE LOVE GUIDANCE
On a one-time basis, a man, having bedded a woman, will momentarily find happiness; she may momentarily find happiness; they may even continue to enjoy each other, physically…. perhaps move in or marry, but that’s not the issue of this inquiry.
I’m asking the women I address this to, to address this multiple question…Did you see Vagina Monologues? Do you have any issues with your vagina? And if so, past positive (and negative) experiences notwithstanding, what might any future lover BE, DO, HAVE, SAY, to alter your standing position and relationship with your vagina?
And if you had an answer, WOULD YOU TELL HIM? And if not, why not?
It just seems interesting to me that we aspire to and achieve degrees, positions, family, wealth, possessions, memories, etc. But we begin life and end it with our sexuality and all our sexuality infers. It’s probably not the most important part of our humanity (it’s probably that aspect that caused us most grief AND most joy), but it remains that part of our being that is intrinsic to US. We’re unwilling to give it up, we wouldn’t if we could, and I’d like to investigate how it might ‘work better.’ And because you’re in my life, I’m asking you.