TILTING AT WINDMILLS
Its been a challenging week. Existential ramifications, perhaps. See last Sunday, I noticed water leaking onto the kitchen floor from beneath my sink. Turns out my garbage disposal’s bottom had rusted out…the third in 26 years. I’ve lived here since ’94 and have installed the past replacements. Went online and discovered Home Depot and Lowes no longer stock them; they are available by ordering online.
Did so, had it sent to my home. $64. Arrived on Tuesday. I could not manage to install that mother! TRIED manfully. No joy. Ordered a NEW one, bigger, better and took the first back for a refund from Home Depot. I continued to pout because my 10% veterans discount did not apply to online purchases.
#2 WasteKing 1 HP arrived on Wednesday, bigger, better, more expensive. $118. I just could not install THAT motherfucker! God knows I tried! It was beyond dealing with a small plumbing problem, this was a self defining cusp!
What?!! The Kid is no longer installing-capable?!! Tha fuck? OK. Was willing to swallow my pride, I just wanted my fucking kitchen back! Yet I kept returning to my kitchen, cramping my back, scraping my knuckles, WANTING DESPERATELY TO SUCCEED!
I found humility. “You’re a grown man, Tucker. You have means. Yes, we know you are stubborn…but doncha just want your kitchen back, dude?” OK. It is not your manhood. Ask for help.
I called “a plumber” on Tuesday. Yeah. Big decision. Surrender. Just fucking tired of failing in the install…and the inconvenience! Waited from 2-6PM on Wednesday. No joy. Cocksucking plumbers said, “SO SORRY! Our guys are tied up.”
Gave me a 10 AM appt on Friday. THEN called this morning to tell me, “AW man, so sorry. Our guys just can’t make it today. How about Monday?” FUCK YOU AND THE HORSES YOU RODE IN ON! I hate you!
Drove to a nearby plumbing supply store on Van Owen this morning. I’d bought plumbing supplies there in past years. Asked for help. Was given a number. “Tell him Tyler sent you.”
Called, spoke, “Call me back around 2.” Did. “OK, I’ll be there in an hour. Text me your address.” Uhh, this is a landline…I can call you back on my cell.” “Nemmind. Just call back and leave a message with your address on my answering machine.” My Man!
So around 3 I get a call. “We’re outside” Hang on, I’ll come let you into the complex. Meet the dude at the door. “Where is MY guy?”
“Oh he’s in the truck. I can take care of it.” Hmmm. OK. I walk him thru the complex back to my unit and he enters my kitchen. Drops down under the sink and begins to tinker. No joy. We both peruse the instructions. No joy. He tries manfully to muscle that sucker into its fitting…and it just won’t go. He calls his my original guy on his phone. “I need help”. I direct the original guy around to my garage door in the complex rear and walk him in.
The two of them proceed to confer with the instructions, struggle, confer with me and we agree, we KNOW what has to be done. It is just hellishly DIFFICULT to fucking DO IT! Somehow, their four strong arms manage to connect the lower portion to the upper portion. Hosanna! And I tell them “EVERY minute you two are here and struggle with this MF makes me feel better about myself!” Word!
The truth is I could NEVER have managed to install THIS unit. NEVER. I lacked the physical strength to both hold and lift it into place. It needed FOUR younger, stronger, more experienced arms to succeed. God bless them! Eric noticed the many photos in my home and asked about my past work. I gratefully gave them $80 when billed and considered myself LUCKY!
And most of all, grateful. I was not emasculated. FUCK the Youtube instructional videos. FUCK the WasteKing instructional manual. This motherfucker, which btw, operates quite efficiently and quietly, (ONCE IT IS SUCCESSFULLY INSTALLED!) will continue to break the hearts of handy homeowners, foolish enough to believe the brochures and let their ego get engaged.
As I age, I’m learning that some of my failures do infer my degeneration….and other failures are just bullshit commercial setups! Boy, am I ever glad I am now willing to buy shit…and then RETURN THAT SHIT when vendors don’t live up to their sales pitch!
I feel for you. As degreed electrical engineer I run across what Clint Eastwood said in Space Cowboys all the time. The manual was written in chinese, translated to Spanish and then to English.