Yeah…

Last nite was a serious gut check for Tucker and his sense of how The World regards him. I volunteered (truth - no one twisted my arm) to do a fundraiser for Rogue Machine, my theater group here in LA. I called it “Tall Tales and Country Blues”

I’d wanted to help fund our budget for 2010 and I egotistically believed that I had sufficient collateral, in personal good will, with both friends and my theater company, to attract an acceptable house. Our theater seats 99 people comfortably. In that regard I failed miserably; our house was barely half full.

I give myself major props, primarily for not allowing my initial disappointment with the sparse attendance to affect my performance. My work was representative of my work ethic. Those in attendance were affirming in their response. The performance was filmed by two film makers. I’m now accessing my reaction to the effort.

After having written “this sizable check” (my intention to help fund our 2010 season) the weeks leading up to last nite were both stressful and exciting for me…the ‘artist’ was jazzed, the ‘producer’ was intimidated. I loved creating my program, choosing my prose and musical selections…yet cringed at my reticence to publicize. I had concerns that in so doing, I might be perceived by others as egotistical and self-serving.

In 38 years of public life as a performer, I have never been comfortable with self-promotion. I was taught to do The Work. Leave it to other to critique and promote. Just do the fucking Work. And while you’re at it, better hold fast to Stella’s guidance: “To be a successful artist, you need the soul of a butterfly…and the hide of an elephant.”

Still working on that…Hell, I’m still standing. Grow up, you pussy;) There’s little value in my regarding non-attendance as a personal rejection. People have their own lives and pressures and concerns.

I regard my life as having been unconventional and interesting. I regard my ability to express my experiences in prose as engaging. Had anyone in my life mounted a similar effort, I’d like to believe I’d have been there to support their courage. So my task is to regard this ‘failure’ (in my opinion), not as a personal rejection by my circle of acquaintances but as a result of their own life demands and my own incompetence and resistance to self-promotion. That makes sense.

But you know what? I’m too old a dog to learn new tricks; I yam what I yam;) So, down the road, my work will be seen by audiences who come, largely because of the efforts of others. So be it.

Hell, I’m not bummed by my effort, tho in truth, had I stumbled and fumbled about last nite - yet attracted 50 more people - I’d have regarded the nite as a success;)

Maybe the most valuable lesson to be learned is this: “A man’s gotta know his limitations.” Boy, howdy.

21 Nov 09